Friday, 6 December 2013


Today was the first time I've seen Stacey break down.

there's been tears over the last few months, lots of them, from everyone including Stacey. a lot of 'why me's which is understandable. since I live in Nottingham I miss the day to day struggles my mum, dad and obviously Stacey, go through. every time I see her she's so much better. I got home on Thursday evening after work and Stacey wasn't even home, which I found strange. her and Kierran strolled in half an hour after me, from being at the shops, and she looked healthier than I'd seen her in weeks.

I've mentioned before that she is always the one that comforts everyone else, whenever there's tears Stacey makes a joke out of it, 'not this again!'. tonight was different. there were tears, screaming and even the odd thing thrown around. for the last few weeks she has bottled it all up, put on a brave face to everyone around her and tonight she snapped. I think it could have something to do with the fact that earlier this week we found out that mum can't be a kidney donor. when I first found out i'll admit that I was relieved, only because I didn't want my mum and my sister to go through major surgery. when thinking more about it, it now means my sister has a longer wait for a transplant and could be on dialysis for years.
It upset all of us to think of it that way.

she refused to talk to my mum or dad, I suppose because they are here all the time, so I thought I'd give it a try. we've never been touchy feely close, i've never been one to give out hugs or tell her I love her, or talk to her much about anything at all but I couldn't just sit and listen to her sob.

she wants to give up.
she's fed up.
she's disabled.
she's stuck and has lost everything that she has worked so hard for.
she's lost her spark and her sense of humour.
she cannot do one thing for herself, even 'little' things like taking a bath or making a cup of tea she has to rely on my mum to help.
and the worst one- she's not normal anymore.

if you know Stacey then you know she was far from normal to begin with! but how do I tell her everything is going to be okay? how do I answer her when she asks me when she will go back to normal? how long til she feels okay again? why has this happened to her? why is this so hard? why should I have to fight my body every day? why am I blind?

my only advice was to believe. our granddad used to tell us that as long as we had faith in ourselves and believed, we could do anything we wanted. I told her that she just need to believe that there was a light at the end of all this pain and heartache. to believe that she will be back to her old self again eventually, no matter how long it takes. she has come so far in just 16 weeks, most people would struggle to get out of bed every day if they were in her situation but she is constantly on the move. I told her how proud I was of everything that she has achieved in these last few months, that she's come too far to give up now. I hope all she needed was a good cry, a hug and a hot bath. it wont fix her body but I hope it will soothe her emotions. she still has a battle ahead of her.

I haven't written a new post in over a month so there's a lot to be filled in. i'll get round to it. it's starting to get harder to remember things but I will try!

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