WakeMeUpWhenSeptemberEnds

Well, it's officially my favourite month of the year! Leaves are falling off the trees, it's getting darker in the evenings, I found my first conker AND it's nearly Halloween! Definitely my favourite.

Spiced pumpkin lattes are back (oh my goodness!) and I'm in the midst of decorating my shop window at work all scary-like.

Halloween has always been huge for me, I love the supernatural and all things that go bump in the night- even if I'm a massive scaredy cat. I'm always hugely excited all the way through October just waiting for Halloween whether I'm hosting a party, going out or just staying in with snacks, my skeleton onesie, A Nightmare Before Christmas and Harry Potter.

 2008 as Alice (Resident Evil) & 2009 as a Vampire.

This October though, I have even more to look forward to! My friend from home has a little girl, Indiana, who is turning two so she's having a birthday party/ house party for all our friends to get together. Which in turn means I'm reunited with my  best friend of 13years, Kiran. Things may get messy! Being in Coventry also means  seeing the family and on Sundays I get to enjoy my mums wonderful Sunday dinner and walk in the park with Stacey and Toffee.

2011 as a waitress in Merlotte's Bar (True Blood)

October is also the month in which I have just over a week off work and the very first thing I'm doing is getting tattooed! Aaaaaaaaah I'm so excited! I haven't been tattooed in over a year due to being tested to see if I'm a kidney donor for Stacey. I had a miniture tattoo done whilst Stacey was in hospital (more on this in another post) but this is pretty big. I have over 30 tattoos now, most of them small, but I'm starting my first half sleeve. It's beautiful and delicate and I can't wait!

2012 as Harley Quinn & Stacey as Zombie Nurse.

This year my beautiful friend Charli and I decided we were going to do scare fest as I've never been before and it looks awesome. We had been to Alton Towers the year before when it was all decorated for Scarefest but couldn't afford to go. However, when driving to and from work I noticed a sign saying 'Fear Forest' so I googled it ( not whilst I was driving) and we've decided to do that instead! It's in a forest, obviously, and it has 3 mazes to walk round and be terrified out of our wits and a Halloween themed bar to calm our nerves afterward! I'm so tempted to dress up as Alice from Alice in Wonderland to wander round the mazes!

2011 at Alton Towers, being made up for Scarefest.

So that's my October! Have you guys got any plans? And do you love Halloween as much as me?

Love Kerry xoxo

Letting Go.

I've always found it hard to express myself. Ever since I was younger I have kept diaries but I can't seem to be able to talk and open up to people. I've always been the shy, quiet one sat in a corner with my nose in a book (I've even been known to walk around with my nose in a book without looking up to avoid things such as lampposts!).

It's not like I don't say 'I Love You', I do. I tell my mum and dad and I tell my boyfriend regularly but other than that I struggle to say those three little words that mean the world.

Before Stacey became ill I can't even remember the last time I told her I loved her. I found it awkward even hugging her which is ridiculous considering our family are so close but I always felt...silly? It was like it was uncomfortable and emotion made me nervous. Post-Stacey drama I'm all for emotion and showing affection! If I can give anyone advise looking back on what has happened to our family it's to show the people you care about just how much you love and appreciate them. I came so close to losing one of the most important people in the world to me and I rarely, if ever, told her I loved her. 

If you've read my blog from the beginning then you may or may not have noticed that I miss out a week or so where Stacey is in Palma and I travel home. To be completely honest that week is still so hard for me to talk about. Every time I think of it or start to talk or write about it I start crying. However, it's been over a year and Stacey is doing ridiculously well so I think maybe it's time to let it go.

Leaving my dad at the hotel, crying, and having to get on a coach to the airport knowing I'm leaving behind my family and a sister that I may never see again was literally the WORST thing that has ever happened to me. I still break down remembering the look on my dads face as we drove away. I sat on that plane and felt physically sick thinking over what could possibly be my last words to my sister, praying that I would get the chance to tell her I loved her one more time. 

My beautiful baby sister was in a coma for 5 days. She had exploratory surgery due to not having had a wee in over a week so her organs were swimming in toxic fluid and they had to find the cause and drain the fluid. It was a hugely risky surgery in the state she was in and the doctors had no idea whether her body would survive the pressure of surgery or whatever it was that had caused her to almost die. They couldn't even tell us whether she would come out of her coma alive as her body may have been too weak to repair itself.

Waiting every day was like walking around in a daydream. When we landed back home Stacey's boyfriend Kierran and I headed back to Coventry to update the rest of the family and sort out mums bills and stuff. Turning up on my Grandma's doorstep is still a bit of a haze. I remember everyone being there, pretty much the whole family, sat around waiting for news. I just remember loads of hugs and the most amount of tears. Everyone was just in complete shock. 

Stacey in Intensive Care in Palma.

I rang my mum every day, a couple of times a day, trying to find out anything I could. The doctors in Palma kept Stacey in a coma to let her body heal itself and after five days they slowly began waking her up. This may have been good for her body but was awful for her mind. She had been having really awful realistic nightmares where she was dying and she would start to wake up but get pulled back down again. It didn't help that they kept her strapped down so she wouldn't move her body so she thought she was paralysed. It took her a good few months to recover from how she felt after that. 

I can't remember the exact day that Stacey finally woke up, but I do remember breaking down in tears on the first day I finally got to hear her voice on the phone since we had left them. The day after that I passed my driving test and mum text me saying Stacey was proud of me. That meant the world to me, more than passing my test, just that Stacey was still here to share that with me.

A week or so later, after gazillions of tests, ups and downs, tears and ice lollies Stacey was able to be flown home.

This is where my blog started. The doctors and nurses that dealt with Stacey looked after her so well, she couldn't have asked for better. Even the hotel where my dad stayed were amazing and the lady who worked for Jet 2 was so helpful. We're so grateful for everything they did to make everything easier on us. 

Through every up and down my wonderful family have always been there whether it was a phonecall or a visit. I can't put into words how much I love them all, every single one of them. You don't realise how many people you have around you that care until something awful happens and I just want to use this to express how grateful I am to all of our friends and family that helped us through. Whether it was a Facebook post, message, text or phonecall, I appreciated every single one. 

I also want to thank Kierran, without him I wouldn't have made it through those weeks that we were separated from my mum, dad and Stacey. He kept me sane, he took my mind off things by making me laugh and I will always be grateful to him for that. He has been so wonderful with Stacey this whole year just trying to keep things as normal and hilarious as he can. I love you, you're awesome.

I also have to thank my own boyfriend Dan, who has listened to endless rants, endured endless crying, and driven me to and from Coventry whenever I needed it. I love you.

And lastly I want to thank my superhero parents. I don't think anyone realises how much you do for us, especially Stacey over this past year. You've both been so strong and brave keeping Stacey going and making sure I'm okay at the same time. I love you more than anything in the world. 

Stacey, I Love You. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I will never take you for granted again. You're so beautiful, brave and strong and I couldn't be prouder.

Stacey on her 23rd birthday last month.

Huge thanks to all you readers too, who care enough about Stacey and my family to read these posts. It means the world.

Love (a very emotional) Kerry xoxo

Stronger.

Stacey&Aunty Suzanne.

I managed to capture the moment the donor and the *donoree (totally just made up a word!) saw each other again post transplant. It was really emotional. There were lots of tears but of happiness this time! I'm so proud of both my Aunty and sister for undergoing something so huge and scary with smiles on their faces.

I managed to stay in Coventry an extra couple of days, my manager is kind of awesome, so I could make sure everything was okay with Stacey. She was still in critical care having to have fluid pumped through her, not to mention blood due to losing so much when she bled. I couldn't face leaving her when anything could happen, especially after the surprise second surgery. I was there til the Tuesday after her operation. She was literally getting better every day, eating a bit more, drinking a bit more. She even got out of bed on the Monday to see Aunty Suzanne who was just down the hallway! It was a huge struggle but she was determined she wasn't staying in bed all day every day.

  Stacey up and wandering around.

By the Tuesday my Aunty Suzanne was ready to come home, she had to stay an extra day due to a high temperature and a slight infection but she was fine! She was desperate to get out at that point after being cooped up since the Thursday before. She's not one to sit around and do nothing, I'm surprised she hasn't gotten back to the gym already!

It was Stacey's birthday on the Wednesday and as I was due to go back to work I had to give her my presents the day before- which she loved! I got her a pineapple pandora charm and some othe r bits. I'm convinced she made herself better for her birthday so she could have cake as by Tuesday evening she had all of her drains out and I even watched her have her line taken out of her neck. I am literally the most squeamish person and the sight of blood gives me the chills (you wouldn't think I'm a massive vampire fan would you?) but I wanted to watch. I totally regret it now! It was so long! I honestly thought I may pass out, I don't know how Stacey survives it. All the poking and prodding, injections and tests, X-rays and scans etc. I'd just want to be left alone.

Stacey enjoying her first meal in 2 days.

It's now been exactly two weeks since Stacey's kidney transplant. I can't really believe how fast this last week has gone! She was released from the hospital and able to go home on Wednesday (exactly two weeks after going into hospital) after having to stay in a few extra days because her creatinine levels were too high. She had a good last weekend so was able to go home for a few hours but with work and travel I couldn't get home. 

That's the worst thing about living in Nottingham, I've always missed my family a ridiculous amount since I moved out 5 years ago but after everything that happened with Stacey it's horrible being so far away. I feel guilty all the time that I'm not there for them, not just Stacey but my family, if they needed me. It's hard not being around the corner if anything happens.

Stacey giving me a back massage! 

So two weeks later Stacey is completely line free and, fingers crossed, back to relatively normal! Mum rang me earlier letting me know that Stacey had just gotten in the shower, not a big deal for a regular person but for Stacey it's her first one in over a year due to her dialysis line. No more line!! It's no longer needed. At this point Stacey still has to visit the hospital quite a few times a week to make sure everything is working okay and she has the most amount of tablets that she has to take every day. But this is the first step to her new life and I honestly couldn't be prouder of her. She has come so far in the last year, none of us in our wildest dreams could have guessed what would happen to Stacey and if I could take it all away from her I would in an instant. However, she has dealt with everything that has been thrown at her with humour and a smile on her face, always staying strong for everyone around her.

Stacey's Facebook post on Wednesday.

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo

Forever A Fighter.

Stacey after her kidney transplant on Friday.

Talk about not doing things the easy way! Throughout this whole year, with everything that's happened Stacey has been constantly unlucky (apart from actually still being alive that is!).

The doctors have always said the fact that her sight went and her kidneys all at the same time was a really unlucky coincidence, the fact that she was a perfectly normal, healthy girl and now she's in and out of hospital 3-4 times a week was really unlucky, that this happened while we were on holiday in Palma was really unlucky, and the fact that she needed not one but two surgeries for her transplant was really unlucky...I could go on.

Waiting for news on the two surgeries was one of the longest, most painful days of my life. We all knew it was a big operation but actually sitting and waiting for news was excruciating. My Aunty Suzanne came out of surgery and was brought back up to the ward after roughly 5 hours, everything had gone really well and she was in and out of consciousness so we were able to talk to her. She started by telling mum off for crying and telling grandma off for fussing whilst complaining that they didn't do her liposuction while she was down there! Haha typical!
We knew the surgery was a lot worse for my Aunty than Stacey as they would have to remove her kidney and then have to get used to living with just the one, but I don't think we were quite prepared for how swollen she would look. It was quite a shock and really hit home how much she had gone through to give Stacey a better life. All without one complaint.

It felt like days before we heard anything about Stacey. We sat with my Aunty while she was in and out of sleep and eventually a student nurse, that had asked to watch the surgery, came in to say that she had watched the kidney travel from one to the other! She said that both surgeries had gone absolutely fine and the doctors said the kidney literally started working as soon as it was 'plugged in' to Stacey and it was one of the healthiest ones they'd ever seen. However, after that we didn't hear anything about Stacey until around 7pm. 

My dad had been trying to contact us for ages to let us know that critical care were trying to get through to us so we could visit. We hadn't heard anything for 9 hours! We were terrified something had gone wrong. Eventually when my dad got through to us, we rushed down to critical care to see her. She was sat up in bed absolutely fine! My Aunty Suzanne was really groggy and in and out of sleep whereas Stacey wouldn't stop talking and wriggling about in bed! It was a shock to say the least! Apparently she had been in critical care, awake, for hours and no one could get through to us.

We left her in critical care that night feeling beyond relieved. It was like a weight was lifted and we could all breathe a little easier. 

Saturday morning was another story. We woke up early to go back to the hospital to see her again but before I'd had breakfast or even put makeup on both my mums mobile and the house phone started ringing. I answered the house phone to Critical Care urgently needing to speak to my mum and she was talking to a nurse. We had to rush to the hospital because Stacey had been bleeding since 4am and needed to be rushed into theatre again. Everytime I think I've been the most scared I could ever be, something else comes along. I felt like I'd stopped breathing, like my stomach had suddenly just dropped out. We grabbed whatever stuff we needed and went straight to the hospital.

When we got there Stacey seemed okay, she was up and talking, telling us she had woken up in a pool of blood that was seeping from her surgery wound. When we saw the wound on Friday night it was so clean and glued together but seeing it on Saturday it was so swollen and sore. The doctors told us that they had to drain the blood as soon as possible otherwise it would put pressure on her new kidney and cause it to fail. 

For the second time in 2 days we were sending Stacey in for surgery. As if once wasn't enough for her. This time though she wasn't scared, still being high on morphine and all, she was demanding that the doctors do everything they can to save her kidney. I'm still adamant she just wanted to scare me out of bed before 10am on a Saturday morning! 

Pre second surgery- Saturday morning.

We were told that if it was a simple procedure it would take roughly 40mins but if there were complications it could take up to 3 hours. There began more waiting only this time felt worse. To be given her kidney only for it to be taken away already seemed so cruel. I can't begin to explain what went through my head at this point. I felt hollow. I don't know if anyone else reading this blog has been through this but it felt like time had stopped. We were like zombies walking between wards and the canteen. Eventually, while mum was in Stacey's empty hospital room on the ward, I wandered into my Aunty Suzanne's room to say hello and instead just burst into tears. I couldn't hold it in any longer and seeing what she had been through to make Stacey better when she was in surgery again was awful.

No matter what happened though my Aunty was so positive. She just kept telling me over and over that Stacey would be okay. Her exact words were 'I didnt give her any old garbage you know!' She was right.

After 2 hours mum rang down to critical care to find out what was going on. Stacey was out of surgery, her and the kidney were fine! Mum burst into tears, (joyful this time!) and we went down to see her. This time she was definitely groggy and out of it. I can't praise the doctors and nurses enough for everything they did for us over the week Stacey has been in. They have all been so lovely and beyond helpful.

We found out that the bleed was just normal after surgery however, the amount of blood was due to the fact they had to start Stacey on the blood thinning drug Heparin straight after surgery to avoid clotting. They hadn't got the balance quite right which led to there being too much blood. The risk was letting it go on for too long and it causing a strain on the kidney. Which by the way is working perfectly! They fitted 3 drains so the build up wouldn't happen again and she was being kept in critical care so she had constant attention in case anything else happened.

Saturday passed in a blur. We didn't end up leaving til half 8 that evening after sitting with Stacey all day. I think we were too scared to leave her just in case. But just like everything else this year she's fought through it. Always with a brave smile on her face, determined to live a full, happy life.

Saturday morning, post second surgery.

Sorry I've rambled on in this post! I've had no signal being in the hospital every day so I'm having to fit everything in! 

Kerry xoxo

Inthewaitingline.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

My Aunty Suzanne went into surgery at 7.30am and Stacey went in at 9.15am and we've been sat around ever since just waiting for news.

I can't even believe how calm and collected my Aunty Suzanne has been! Nothing fazes her at all! She's been making sure everyone else is okay. She's crazy brave and I can't find the words to express how much it means to me that she's doing this for Stacey. We've always been an incredibly close family but having major surgery and giving her kidney is so selfless.

Everyone keeps telling us that it is a routine surgery, kidney surgeries are done every week, they'll be fine! However Stacey's is a little more complicated than that. She has been on Walfarin for the last year as she has antiphosphilipids syndrome or 'sticky blood'. This is what caused blood clots in her brain and her loss of sight. The doctors have had to take her off the medication to do the kidney surgery so the surgery is a lot more complicated.

Is it okay to admit I'm terrified out of my mind?

I've been trying to stay strong and hold the tears back for the sake of my family. My mum has reverted back to crying everytime anyone talks to her, my dad broke down at the hospital yesterday and Stacey didn't stop crying all morning. Everyone is on edge.

I keep telling myself that she has the best team of surgeons and experts in all areas are surrounding her in case anything goes wrong. Not to mention the fact that last time she had surgery she was dying and they didn't even know about the sticky blood at that point. So she'll be fine right? They have done more complicated surgeries than this right?

People keep telling me Stacey is strong, she's a fighter, she's been through worse than this. It's all true and I feel guilty doubting her but she's been so unlucky so far I feel like I can't get my hopes up. Like if I let myself believe that everything will be fine and easy I'll break apart if it's not.

I just feel so useless. I wish it was me. I wish this hadn't taken away her dream job and I was the one taken down the hallway to be operated on. That I was the one who's sight had been taken and life turned upside down. Anything for Stacey to be healthy and happy again, living the life she wanted for herself.

In the end I have to believe that she will be okay. It's unacceptable to think of anything else. 

Kerry xoxo

It'sbeenawhile!

Well, it's been a while to say the least! Four months to be exact, oooops, it's been a bit of a whirlwind. I cannot actually believe how fast time has flown! I had all the best intentions of keeping up to date with the blog but with work and socialising it's been really hard.

To update you all, these are some pictures from the last few months :) 

1&2. Are both from a trip to Norfolk where my Mum, Dad, Stacey, Marshall and Toffee went on a boat in July. 3. Is a silly photo I got of Stacey and Marshall with Toffee. 4. Stacey all dressed up to go to Marshall's football presentation. 5. My housewarming party with me, Stacey and Ava Grace in August.

Stacey has been doing amazing with Toffee, it's a little bit ridiculous how much they love each other in such a short amount of time! He literally follows her everywhere, I even caught them both watching the Fox and the Hound together last month! 

August also marked the one year anniversary of Stacey being ill, rushed to hospital and her losing her sight. I posted this on Facebook on the day:

Everyone was so lovely and supportive, I had some really beautiful comments. 

I guess the main reason I'm updating this blog today is because we're back in the hospital AGAIN. However, this time it's a positive trip. Stacey is having her kidney transplant on Friday. For the past year my brave, wonderful Aunty Suzanne has had every test under the sun to make sure she is the perfect donor. This week she finally gives her kidney to Stacey. I don't think we could ever express how thankful we are to have such amazing family around us. 

So anyway, you'll probably have a few more updates from me over the next few weeks with progress reports. Mostly cause I'll be hanging around the hospital waiting and waiting and waiting some more. 

Thanks for reading,

Kerry xoxo