Monday, 29 September 2014

Letting Go.

I've always found it hard to express myself. Ever since I was younger I have kept diaries but I can't seem to be able to talk and open up to people. I've always been the shy, quiet one sat in a corner with my nose in a book (I've even been known to walk around with my nose in a book without looking up to avoid things such as lampposts!).
It's not like I don't say 'I Love You', I do. I tell my mum and dad and I tell my boyfriend regularly but other than that I struggle to say those three little words that mean the world.

Before Stacey became ill I can't even remember the last time I told her I loved her. I found it awkward even hugging her which is ridiculous considering our family are so close but I always felt...silly? It was like it was uncomfortable and emotion made me nervous. Post-Stacey drama I'm all for emotion and showing affection! If I can give anyone advise looking back on what has happened to our family it's to show the people you care about just how much you love and appreciate them. I came so close to losing one of the most important people in the world to me and I rarely, if ever, told her I loved her. 

If you've read my blog from the beginning then you may or may not have noticed that I miss out a week or so where Stacey is in Palma and I travel home. To be completely honest that week is still so hard for me to talk about. Every time I think of it or start to talk or write about it I start crying. However, it's been over a year and Stacey is doing ridiculously well so I think maybe it's time to let it go.

Leaving my dad at the hotel, crying, and having to get on a coach to the airport knowing I'm leaving behind my family and a sister that I may never see again was literally the WORST thing that has ever happened to me. I still break down remembering the look on my dads face as we drove away. I sat on that plane and felt physically sick thinking over what could possibly be my last words to my sister, praying that I would get the chance to tell her I loved her one more time. 

My beautiful baby sister was in a coma for 5 days. She had exploratory surgery due to not having had a wee in over a week so her organs were swimming in toxic fluid and they had to find the cause and drain the fluid. It was a hugely risky surgery in the state she was in and the doctors had no idea whether her body would survive the pressure of surgery or whatever it was that had caused her to almost die. They couldn't even tell us whether she would come out of her coma alive as her body may have been too weak to repair itself.

Waiting every day was like walking around in a daydream. When we landed back home Stacey's boyfriend Kierran and I headed back to Coventry to update the rest of the family and sort out mums bills and stuff. Turning up on my Grandma's doorstep is still a bit of a haze. I remember everyone being there, pretty much the whole family, sat around waiting for news. I just remember loads of hugs and the most amount of tears. Everyone was just in complete shock. 
Stacey in Intensive Care in Palma.

I rang my mum every day, a couple of times a day, trying to find out anything I could. The doctors in Palma kept Stacey in a coma to let her body heal itself and after five days they slowly began waking her up. This may have been good for her body but was awful for her mind. She had been having really awful realistic nightmares where she was dying and she would start to wake up but get pulled back down again. It didn't help that they kept her strapped down so she wouldn't move her body so she thought she was paralysed. It took her a good few months to recover from how she felt after that. 

I can't remember the exact day that Stacey finally woke up, but I do remember breaking down in tears on the first day I finally got to hear her voice on the phone since we had left them. The day after that I passed my driving test and mum text me saying Stacey was proud of me. That meant the world to me, more than passing my test, just that Stacey was still here to share that with me.

A week or so later, after gazillions of tests, ups and downs, tears and ice lollies Stacey was able to be flown home.
This is where my blog started. The doctors and nurses that dealt with Stacey looked after her so well, she couldn't have asked for better. Even the hotel where my dad stayed were amazing and the lady who worked for Jet 2 was so helpful. We're so grateful for everything they did to make everything easier on us. 

Through every up and down my wonderful family have always been there whether it was a phonecall or a visit. I can't put into words how much I love them all, every single one of them. You don't realise how many people you have around you that care until something awful happens and I just want to use this to express how grateful I am to all of our friends and family that helped us through. Whether it was a Facebook post, message, text or phonecall, I appreciated every single one. 

I also want to thank Kierran, without him I wouldn't have made it through those weeks that we were separated from my mum, dad and Stacey. He kept me sane, he took my mind off things by making me laugh and I will always be grateful to him for that. He has been so wonderful with Stacey this whole year just trying to keep things as normal and hilarious as he can. I love you, you're awesome.

I also have to thank my own boyfriend Dan, who has listened to endless rants, endured endless crying, and driven me to and from Coventry whenever I needed it. I love you.

And lastly I want to thank my superhero parents. I don't think anyone realises how much you do for us, especially Stacey over this past year. You've both been so strong and brave keeping Stacey going and making sure I'm okay at the same time. I love you more than anything in the world. 

Stacey, I Love You. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I will never take you for granted again. You're so beautiful, brave and strong and I couldn't be prouder.

Stacey on her 23rd birthday last month.

Huge thanks to all you readers too, who care enough about Stacey and my family to read these posts. It means the world.

Love (a very emotional) Kerry xoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment