Inthewaitingline.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

My Aunty Suzanne went into surgery at 7.30am and Stacey went in at 9.15am and we've been sat around ever since just waiting for news.

I can't even believe how calm and collected my Aunty Suzanne has been! Nothing fazes her at all! She's been making sure everyone else is okay. She's crazy brave and I can't find the words to express how much it means to me that she's doing this for Stacey. We've always been an incredibly close family but having major surgery and giving her kidney is so selfless.

Everyone keeps telling us that it is a routine surgery, kidney surgeries are done every week, they'll be fine! However Stacey's is a little more complicated than that. She has been on Walfarin for the last year as she has antiphosphilipids syndrome or 'sticky blood'. This is what caused blood clots in her brain and her loss of sight. The doctors have had to take her off the medication to do the kidney surgery so the surgery is a lot more complicated.

Is it okay to admit I'm terrified out of my mind?

I've been trying to stay strong and hold the tears back for the sake of my family. My mum has reverted back to crying everytime anyone talks to her, my dad broke down at the hospital yesterday and Stacey didn't stop crying all morning. Everyone is on edge.

I keep telling myself that she has the best team of surgeons and experts in all areas are surrounding her in case anything goes wrong. Not to mention the fact that last time she had surgery she was dying and they didn't even know about the sticky blood at that point. So she'll be fine right? They have done more complicated surgeries than this right?

People keep telling me Stacey is strong, she's a fighter, she's been through worse than this. It's all true and I feel guilty doubting her but she's been so unlucky so far I feel like I can't get my hopes up. Like if I let myself believe that everything will be fine and easy I'll break apart if it's not.

I just feel so useless. I wish it was me. I wish this hadn't taken away her dream job and I was the one taken down the hallway to be operated on. That I was the one who's sight had been taken and life turned upside down. Anything for Stacey to be healthy and happy again, living the life she wanted for herself.

In the end I have to believe that she will be okay. It's unacceptable to think of anything else. 

Kerry xoxo