"this is our year this year isn't it Kerry? it has to be. I fought so hard to make it through last year so this one has to be good, right?"
"yeah Stacey, this is our year. thank you for not dying on us by the way"
"shut up. I love you. happy new year"
this is how 2014 happened for us. didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. our family were around us, we watched the fireworks on tv lighting up London and we all held each other- because we all knew 2013 could have ended so differently.
the last 5 months have been an on-going struggle, in and out of hospital but still never getting a diagnosis. still no one knows why a beautiful, smart, healthy young girl nearly died in the space of a week. the truth is we may never know, its something Stacey will have to live with forever. no reason behind her pain and suffering. she is so incredibly brave though.
since her breakdown a few weeks ago she has started seeing a therapist for all the trauma she has been through since her illness and how it effects her life, but also in helping her understand those around her too. Stacey and my dad have always been so alike, hugely stubborn and bull headed so they are always the ones that pick fights. since Stacey's illness my mum and dad have to pretty much do everything for her, with her being partially sighted it is hard for her to do anything on her own and she no longer has any independence. this doesn't mean she doesn't try. whenever she goes out with friends and or her boyfriend my dad, naturally, worries. instead of rationally talking to her about this however, they end up in screaming matches. Stacey needs her independence, even if it is a little bit. dad needs to make sure she is safe. the therapist has really helped her understand what's happening around her and how to deal with it all the right way. its totally calmed her down! there are still the odd spats but we wouldn't be family if we didn't fall out once in a while!
we all knew Christmas was special this year. there was a point when no one knew if Stacey would be here for it, but as we all know she is a fighter. my whole family crammed into our tiny living room (18 of us in total!) to share Christmas dinner. my mum decided she would attempt a speech, however being a massive crier, she didn't get very far. she just wanted to thank everyone for their love and support through everything, everyone knows how we feel but looking around the table and seeing them all welling up was heart wrenching. knowing how much we all mean to each other and feeling so lucky that we could all share another Christmas together was perfect.
we have a lot planned already for this year. Stacey is looking forward to getting a guide dog in the oncoming months, she is already attempting to go on walks ALONE with her stick! I was so proud when I found out! she wont let anyone or anything stand in her way of beating this thing. whatever it was.
fate is a funny thing.
I have come to realise I have a slight mental block. I was following my sisters story pretty closely at the start of this blog but I cant seem to get past the image of leaving my dad at the hotel on holiday when Stacey went into surgery. I have talked to various people about this. I believe its down to how traumatic that day was for me and what it meant to all of us. I will fill in the blanks at some point. hopefully soon. so if anyone is actually reading this blog and wonders why I jumped from august to December, this is why.