Letting Go.

I've always found it hard to express myself. Ever since I was younger I have kept diaries but I can't seem to be able to talk and open up to people. I've always been the shy, quiet one sat in a corner with my nose in a book (I've even been known to walk around with my nose in a book without looking up to avoid things such as lampposts!).

It's not like I don't say 'I Love You', I do. I tell my mum and dad and I tell my boyfriend regularly but other than that I struggle to say those three little words that mean the world.

Before Stacey became ill I can't even remember the last time I told her I loved her. I found it awkward even hugging her which is ridiculous considering our family are so close but I always felt...silly? It was like it was uncomfortable and emotion made me nervous. Post-Stacey drama I'm all for emotion and showing affection! If I can give anyone advise looking back on what has happened to our family it's to show the people you care about just how much you love and appreciate them. I came so close to losing one of the most important people in the world to me and I rarely, if ever, told her I loved her. 

If you've read my blog from the beginning then you may or may not have noticed that I miss out a week or so where Stacey is in Palma and I travel home. To be completely honest that week is still so hard for me to talk about. Every time I think of it or start to talk or write about it I start crying. However, it's been over a year and Stacey is doing ridiculously well so I think maybe it's time to let it go.

Leaving my dad at the hotel, crying, and having to get on a coach to the airport knowing I'm leaving behind my family and a sister that I may never see again was literally the WORST thing that has ever happened to me. I still break down remembering the look on my dads face as we drove away. I sat on that plane and felt physically sick thinking over what could possibly be my last words to my sister, praying that I would get the chance to tell her I loved her one more time. 

My beautiful baby sister was in a coma for 5 days. She had exploratory surgery due to not having had a wee in over a week so her organs were swimming in toxic fluid and they had to find the cause and drain the fluid. It was a hugely risky surgery in the state she was in and the doctors had no idea whether her body would survive the pressure of surgery or whatever it was that had caused her to almost die. They couldn't even tell us whether she would come out of her coma alive as her body may have been too weak to repair itself.

Waiting every day was like walking around in a daydream. When we landed back home Stacey's boyfriend Kierran and I headed back to Coventry to update the rest of the family and sort out mums bills and stuff. Turning up on my Grandma's doorstep is still a bit of a haze. I remember everyone being there, pretty much the whole family, sat around waiting for news. I just remember loads of hugs and the most amount of tears. Everyone was just in complete shock. 

Stacey in Intensive Care in Palma.

I rang my mum every day, a couple of times a day, trying to find out anything I could. The doctors in Palma kept Stacey in a coma to let her body heal itself and after five days they slowly began waking her up. This may have been good for her body but was awful for her mind. She had been having really awful realistic nightmares where she was dying and she would start to wake up but get pulled back down again. It didn't help that they kept her strapped down so she wouldn't move her body so she thought she was paralysed. It took her a good few months to recover from how she felt after that. 

I can't remember the exact day that Stacey finally woke up, but I do remember breaking down in tears on the first day I finally got to hear her voice on the phone since we had left them. The day after that I passed my driving test and mum text me saying Stacey was proud of me. That meant the world to me, more than passing my test, just that Stacey was still here to share that with me.

A week or so later, after gazillions of tests, ups and downs, tears and ice lollies Stacey was able to be flown home.

This is where my blog started. The doctors and nurses that dealt with Stacey looked after her so well, she couldn't have asked for better. Even the hotel where my dad stayed were amazing and the lady who worked for Jet 2 was so helpful. We're so grateful for everything they did to make everything easier on us. 

Through every up and down my wonderful family have always been there whether it was a phonecall or a visit. I can't put into words how much I love them all, every single one of them. You don't realise how many people you have around you that care until something awful happens and I just want to use this to express how grateful I am to all of our friends and family that helped us through. Whether it was a Facebook post, message, text or phonecall, I appreciated every single one. 

I also want to thank Kierran, without him I wouldn't have made it through those weeks that we were separated from my mum, dad and Stacey. He kept me sane, he took my mind off things by making me laugh and I will always be grateful to him for that. He has been so wonderful with Stacey this whole year just trying to keep things as normal and hilarious as he can. I love you, you're awesome.

I also have to thank my own boyfriend Dan, who has listened to endless rants, endured endless crying, and driven me to and from Coventry whenever I needed it. I love you.

And lastly I want to thank my superhero parents. I don't think anyone realises how much you do for us, especially Stacey over this past year. You've both been so strong and brave keeping Stacey going and making sure I'm okay at the same time. I love you more than anything in the world. 

Stacey, I Love You. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I will never take you for granted again. You're so beautiful, brave and strong and I couldn't be prouder.

Stacey on her 23rd birthday last month.

Huge thanks to all you readers too, who care enough about Stacey and my family to read these posts. It means the world.

Love (a very emotional) Kerry xoxo

Stronger.

Stacey&Aunty Suzanne.

I managed to capture the moment the donor and the *donoree (totally just made up a word!) saw each other again post transplant. It was really emotional. There were lots of tears but of happiness this time! I'm so proud of both my Aunty and sister for undergoing something so huge and scary with smiles on their faces.

I managed to stay in Coventry an extra couple of days, my manager is kind of awesome, so I could make sure everything was okay with Stacey. She was still in critical care having to have fluid pumped through her, not to mention blood due to losing so much when she bled. I couldn't face leaving her when anything could happen, especially after the surprise second surgery. I was there til the Tuesday after her operation. She was literally getting better every day, eating a bit more, drinking a bit more. She even got out of bed on the Monday to see Aunty Suzanne who was just down the hallway! It was a huge struggle but she was determined she wasn't staying in bed all day every day.

  Stacey up and wandering around.

By the Tuesday my Aunty Suzanne was ready to come home, she had to stay an extra day due to a high temperature and a slight infection but she was fine! She was desperate to get out at that point after being cooped up since the Thursday before. She's not one to sit around and do nothing, I'm surprised she hasn't gotten back to the gym already!

It was Stacey's birthday on the Wednesday and as I was due to go back to work I had to give her my presents the day before- which she loved! I got her a pineapple pandora charm and some othe r bits. I'm convinced she made herself better for her birthday so she could have cake as by Tuesday evening she had all of her drains out and I even watched her have her line taken out of her neck. I am literally the most squeamish person and the sight of blood gives me the chills (you wouldn't think I'm a massive vampire fan would you?) but I wanted to watch. I totally regret it now! It was so long! I honestly thought I may pass out, I don't know how Stacey survives it. All the poking and prodding, injections and tests, X-rays and scans etc. I'd just want to be left alone.

Stacey enjoying her first meal in 2 days.

It's now been exactly two weeks since Stacey's kidney transplant. I can't really believe how fast this last week has gone! She was released from the hospital and able to go home on Wednesday (exactly two weeks after going into hospital) after having to stay in a few extra days because her creatinine levels were too high. She had a good last weekend so was able to go home for a few hours but with work and travel I couldn't get home. 

That's the worst thing about living in Nottingham, I've always missed my family a ridiculous amount since I moved out 5 years ago but after everything that happened with Stacey it's horrible being so far away. I feel guilty all the time that I'm not there for them, not just Stacey but my family, if they needed me. It's hard not being around the corner if anything happens.

Stacey giving me a back massage! 

So two weeks later Stacey is completely line free and, fingers crossed, back to relatively normal! Mum rang me earlier letting me know that Stacey had just gotten in the shower, not a big deal for a regular person but for Stacey it's her first one in over a year due to her dialysis line. No more line!! It's no longer needed. At this point Stacey still has to visit the hospital quite a few times a week to make sure everything is working okay and she has the most amount of tablets that she has to take every day. But this is the first step to her new life and I honestly couldn't be prouder of her. She has come so far in the last year, none of us in our wildest dreams could have guessed what would happen to Stacey and if I could take it all away from her I would in an instant. However, she has dealt with everything that has been thrown at her with humour and a smile on her face, always staying strong for everyone around her.

Stacey's Facebook post on Wednesday.

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo